So I’ve realized that I’m getting jerked around by my dad. Why does he get to pick MY wedding date. He won’t give us his answer and I think it’s another control method.

So on the 18th of April 2010 at 2pm, I am planning to just marry James via Judge White of North Kingstown right on our lawn. I just need Dennis and James’ parents are going to come. Sam and Nick will probably be there too.

That’s all we need. No fancy dressing up. No stupid expensive dress. I’m sure then we can go out to eat since there won’t be the whole Lim/Kim/Yordy crew.

Its Sam’s birthday and we can celebrate that too if he would like.

I feel very distressed at the moment. I am literally getting physically sick from stress and diabetes.

I’ve talked to my doctor and I think I have to change doctors. They’ve basically given up on me. I need more insulin and crap but they’ve referred me somewhere else. The first appointment I could get is like end of June.

I asked about and for an insulin pump and the NP like ignored me… several times. I also don’t know why I see a nurse. She also like bum rushes me out of my appointment so even I forget to tell her that my refills ran out.

I am so stressed out and depressed. I don’t think it’s getting any better. When I’m alone I cry. I can’t cry in front of James. He gets so upset to see me upset.

To cheer me up he is INSISTING that he wants to go to Dolpa. He tells me everyday that he is interested and that we don’t need to buy dolls or spend huge amounts of money to have fun. He wants to enroll in the doll faceup workshops with me too. But I don’t think he understands that its not about having money to buy dolls and stuff. He buys me dolls thinking that they make me happy. He says he likes to see me with a hobby and he praises my sewing and clothes I make.

I’m very lucky to have him.

But I need to cut myself away from my dad. He just rented out the basement of this house I’m staying in to 5 chinese men. That’s all fine and good since it’s his house. But its not fine and good when he’s making ME pay for their utilities. So now we have to pay for not only my cousin and brother, myself, and James but for 5 extra people?

I’m looking for a place to rent but rent-able places are being gobbled up ASAP. I guess the economy and foreclosures are really hurting people.

I am extremely unhappy and depressed. It’s almost like a recurring theme in my life and I am constantly complaining about it.

My doctor just told me a couple of weeks ago that diabetics are very prone to depression but I know the one sole reason to my unhappiness and depression isn’t due to the easy proneness of it due to diabetes. Its my father.

I need to get away from him as soon as possible. I need to cut all ties with him and forget he ever existed. I need to pretend I an orphan that grew up parent-less.

At the moment, he’s trying to control me through my wedding. He keeps changing the dates and his mind. He offers to pay for the reception then changes his mind.

I only have one choice now. Just to marry James without him at the wedding.

To tell you the honest, sincere truth, I don’t want him there. I honestly wanted to see if he would treat me, his daughter, for once, better or the same as his niece and nephew. He each gave them $40K as wedding gifts. He puts his highest value in money. I wanted to see if he valued me enough to say “congratulations” and hand me a wedding gift out of his own heart. Even if it was $40K worth of grass or for the wedding, or $40K worth of free rent at the house I’m staying in, it would show he values me on level with my cousins.

But I need to wake up from my dreams. He has the means x 100 but he send me off in a decent wedding. Not even a wedding, an exchange of vows that James is paying for. Just the food. He won’t pay for the food that Dennis and James will be grilling themselves. The food that my aunt will be preparing herself.

My stepmom already told me that my dad won’t be giving us a wedding gift. He also is going to contact any guests and tell them not to gift me and James money or gifts. Why?

I find this out on my birthday where my stepmom hastily shoves a $100 bill into my pocket before she gets out of my car. The same as James’ parent got me but they went through with the effort of also making me an awesome dinner and good cake (even though poor Mrs. Yordy was feeling guilty because she was feeding sugar and refined carbs to a diabetic) and finding me a really nice Hello Kitty card.

The dinner beats getting money anytime. (But I did end up using the money to buy food for the week.)

I need to make a serious decision here. Should I just call my family members and friends and tell them the situation and apologize that there can’t be a wedding and just have a simple exchange of vows (no dad invited)?

I’ve been going crazy for the past 2 days just eating Korean popsicles. Now I’m freezing cold but I still want more T_T

I feel very sad and depressed and utterly bitter.

Thank god that I love Dolls just for the Dolls because one of the biggest Doll online communities just really sucks. Its a damn online community and when you can feel being ignored and “see” the cliques on a VIRTUAL ONLINE community, then somethings wrong.

I’ve met a hand full of doll collectors that are awesome but seriously… people online act all arrogant and like they’re the shit (when they would NEVER do so in person) or they’re on the other side of the pole and they are just really awesome and helpful. I’ve seen no middle grounds. BUT I am glad though that my doll friends are so awesome though. I’m very grateful for them. I’ve never met such awesome fantastic people in my life and I’m glad that I can talk dolls (and other stuff) with them!

Anywhoo… I’ve finally named Yuki. Her name is Mikan even though her favorite color is purple.

I am getting married on the 28th of March at 2pm. It’s nothing fancy and James and I will be legally attached for life on that day.

I feel very anxious. I don’t know what to do.

So my throat is hurting really badly and I can hardly swallow. But the worst part is… I think I’m getting allergies and my throat and ears are SO DAMN ITCHY!!!!