So I got up the nerve to finally call the doctor to schdeule for surgery #1… but the office was at lunch! Oh well… I told myself I would call back but I forgot.
My aunt will be in NY for the entire month of April and I’ll miss her.
But I’m in NY with James visiting Dennis anyways. Going to meet up with my cousin tomorrow.
My birthday passed like a normal day. But I did get a small panda plush from James. Its ridiculously cute 
In my years of living, I’ve never had to look far for drama. The current episode is “Let’s get Essie kicked out of the house.”
So James’ older brother decides to run downstairs like a three year old child waiting to receive candy if he bears good news and makes up some cock and bull story about me not thinking James’ mom and dad, who have housed me for the past 2 years when my dad kicked me out, not generous. Nevermind the fact that I tell James almost everyday how grateful I am for his parents. How I feel useless that I can’t clean the kitchen until my carpel tunnel heals. How I really look up to them.
Last night James dad flips out after dinner. I go up to the bathroom to pee since I have to pee every freaking hour due to uncontrolled diabetes. I hear my name with anger saying how I should help out other hurtful things and James’ mom saying “just forget it”. James’ mom is usually the peace-keeper of the family and does not like negative tension and such. I feel like I am at home all over again. My dad yelling about and my aunt trying to keep peace. I wanted to crawl up in a hole and die but I walked downstairs to clean. The pots were horribly heavy and my wrist feels like its sprained now. I want to cry tears from the pain from typing this. As I’m scrubing James’ dad comes in and starts flipping out at my back saying how I called them ungenerous, how I never help out, how I never clean, how I never ask to help out etc. I have no idea what the heck is going on and stupidly I start crying. I really really loved his parents and I felt really betrayed. I don’t understand what I did to make him say this stuff to me. It really hurts because YES I know I am useless. I want to help but my arm hurts. I want to help but I feel as if they hate me. I have always thought that from the beginning, that I was an annoyance to them. So this proves all of my fears true.
But the scariest thing is… they heard this cock and bullshit from James’ brother on Friday and they acted like nothing was wrong the whole weekend. They were kind and friendly and acted their usual selves. How can somebody deceive like that? I don’t understand. How can somebody act and pretend. How can somebody hide their feelings and put on a totally different mask. I was told that I am part of the famiy but if I was wouldn’t they have pulled me aside to talk about this immediately after? Blood is thicker than water in this family.
I want to go home. I know that if I do I can’t see James, that we’ll need to separate.
All of this because James’ brother doesn’t want me around so he can do drugs.
I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to crawl up and die.
So James’ dad basically kicked me out. Said that he heard me call him ungenerous. I’ve never said that in my life. But I don’t want to deal with it. I don’t want James to deal with what I have to deal with with my family.
I thought I knew my position, the lowly nonfamily member. I tried my best to stay out of the way and not eat their food and stuff. I’m not being sarcastic. I feel incredibly depressed like I want to kill myself. I feel so betrayed.
My god… I thought I was watching some poorly written porn… then the ending… good god. But I did do research after I finished the series and found out that it WAS a hentai porn game. But still… the ending… good god!
I have this HUGE chair that I received for Christmas several years ago that I brought to James’ house but when it was put together the seat was put on SLIGHTLY crooked. This makes my neck and back hurt like all heck and I have NO idea how to take the chair apart and straighten it… maybe I should attach half a cushion to one side of it…
James, Sam, and I are going to a doll meetup today! I’m really excited because everybody I met the last time was awesome and nice.
I need to sleep… we’re leaving at 11am but I haven’t been able to sleep the past two days. James’ brother has his tv or computer or something ALWAYS blasting. I can hear it thump and vibrate through out the room and since I’m very noise sensitive I can’t sleep. He is doing this deliberately. There is ALWAYS noise now. I’ve slept like 24 hours this past week and my skin is yellow, my wounds aren’t healing, I keep getting migranes, my eyes can’t focus, and I’m not healing from this freaking cold I have and the funny thing is, its not due to diabetes since I’m taking my meds so I think its due to lack of sleep.
James told me that his brother chased his roommate at college away and I think I know why. He’s doing this deliberately too. God… I feel like I can’t complain enough. But I wonder if I should see a doctor about sleeping pills. The sleeping aid pills sold over the counter don’t seem to work and all other PM cold medicine has stopped putting me to sleep.
Anywho… I have a new doll on ebay. Her name is Aphrodite and after looking through an online doll friend’s flickr, he has inspired me to paint a doll… and want a momoko wicked badly too T_T.
A bit of good but bad news… I had to sell my Unoa Lusis which was part of my engagement gift from James, to go to James’ aunt funeral a few months back but I entered the unoa international lottery for her last week and… I won. I feel horribly lucky to have won. I can now re-purchase her at the price I sold her for. But the thing is… it means spending more money and I have to pay off my other hospital bill. I’m going to buy her because I don’t think I can get her for this price until the next unoa girl pre-order which isn’t until god knows when. But my birthday is coming up in a little more than a week and I’m going to hound all of my cousins…
I need to find more Tudor era books. I’m glad that James’ mom is obsessed with them too because she has a TON of them lying around. James always goes and grabs a few for me to read … which reminds me that I need to see The Other Boleyn Girl. I’ve read the book and LOVED it and I want to see the movie although it doesn’t look like it goes into “the other Boleyn” girl’s life at all from what I saw from the previews. Also… I feel odd about … omg I ALWAYS forget her name but the actress that’s portraying Anne… but I feel odd about her playing Anne Boleyn. I’m glad they picked Scarlett Johanson to play Mary because I think that actress is beauty herself!
I’m selling my SoulDoll Little Jandi… and would like to do so soon. She cost me $324.80 and her clothes that she is coming with cost me $105. But I’m selling her for $300 including shipping and insurance. If you are interested please email me at EssieDolls.-at-.Gmail . com
James smashed my rear right window while turning into the parking lot of his work.
Went to visit my brother and my cousin on Saturday with James. As always I had a lot of fun. I actually got to sleep because HE doesn’t blast music through the walls.
The weather was horrible on the way down there but on Sunday it was absolutely BEAUTIFUL and warm. He took us to the Japanese plaza and we looked around and got the bubble tea as usual. The view along the Hudson river is just breathtaking. Next time I’ll have to take pictures~
I cannot sleep. I keep waking up because of the noise coming from James’ sick and twisted brother’s room. He likes to just have noise on. Like he has some type of sub woofer for his TV and he just blasts it… and deliberately. He only does it when no one else but I’m there. He doesn’t give 2 shit sticks. I’m freaking sick and can’t sleep. I keep waking up. I want to punt his head in with a metal chrome crow bar to watch his blood drip down the pretty surface.